jeaun.com

this is sweet

I dunno if anyone has read this before but it strongly improves my outlook of the universe.

http://www.gamegirladvance.com/archives/2002/10/26/sex_in_games_rezvibrator.html

post sonnets!!!

Okay so I was gonna post more rhymes but I got this shakespearean sonnet instead.

Enjoy. . .

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the Sun
But her sweet ass so succulent and round
Is far more deadly than a gattling gun
that knocks entire armies to the ground.
Shall I compare thee to a summers day?
If I slap ass does it not leave a mark?
The booty giveth, then it takes away.
Just bend your lady over in the dark.
Perhaps I am excessively obsessed
I should confront my vice and just say "no"
Compared to true love, ass is second best
A mind consumed by booty doesn't grow
But all that reason downward starts a'breakin'
When I see a ripe hindquarters shakin'

A Sense of Fame

Imagine my delight to find, when settling down with the esteemed Grinnell Magazine for a long winters nap, a full page pic of Paulson Manor, right there on page 20.

For those interested, 1332 Broad was also the boyhood home of Back Alley Dave.

In other news, Jeaunsons continue to approach full-employment. I for one, have found a way to feed myself with my love for playground sports. Say hello to the Midwest Regional Representative for the World Adult Kickball Association.

Can You Hear Me Now?

Here is your chance to become famous. It has been discovered that new nomenclature is needed for our ever-changing world. Specifically, our daily communication is suffering because we are using cellular phones as a major source of talkin'.

Unfortunately, cell phones are not 100% reliable, and I'm sure (Luddites aside) we've all missed a few words when the line breaks up.

"Kittens can die from drinking antifreeze, you know."
*kssssht* "What?"
"I said I think that kittens can die from drinking antifreeze."
"No, I heard you, I was wondering why you know that."

or the more annoying

"Kittens can die from drinking antifreeze, you know."
*kssssht* "What?"
"Yeah, it's sweet-tasting, and poisonous if ingested. Fat Jarod was in the garage yesterday and..."
"Wait, what? I didn't hear what you said the first time."

So what I'm looking for are two words to differentiate between "please repeat the last thing you said", and "please give me a more in-depth explanation of what you just said".

1, 2, 3, GO.

Dr. Poop, the Folio Edition?

Hey, is anybody watching Saturday Night Live right now? It's Best of Will Ferrell, vol. 2, and they just showed the Dr. Poop sketch.

Here's the thing: it wasn't the same take of the sketch that we're all so familiar with. It was really similar, but there were umistakable, specific differences (e.g., he never said "that's a huge palomino!").

So, at first I'm thinking, maybe they just reshot the sketch, since there were some weird sort-of screwups in the original (and in this new one, Ferrell doesn't trip over any lines). But then, Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon start laughing at exactly the same point, in exactly the same way, as they do in the on-tape jeaun-commemorative version.

Did they just decide that the mid-scene crackup was funny enough that they deliberately included it in the reshoot? I noticed that the script for the scene that was linked to from these very pages a while back did have a stage direction for Ferrell to laugh when he says "we misplaced your baby", but Shannon's laughter looked decidedly unintentional in the original version, and she did it exactly the same way in the new version.

Anyone else see this? Any insights?

some bio-chemistry reeeeeal quick

Hey E Lo,

I've noticed a lot of drugs end with "Hcl". Pseudophedrine Hcl, Fluoxetine Hcl, etc...

What is it about the hydrochloride that helps the drug work in your body? Teach me some bio-chemistry reeeeeal quick.

Let's piss off the AMA

Want to annoy the (antigay) American Family Association? The organization is conducting an online poll about gay marriage/civil unions and apparently plans to show the results to Congress. Naturally the vast majority of those taking the poll will be opposed to any form of rights for gay people and probably support the idea of adding a marriage-defining amendment to the Constitution.

So why not get as many non-demagogues as possible to take this
poll I just did; took 5 seconds.

That's reassuring

Well, the President cannot detain U.S. citizens and designate them as enemy combatants. A court ordered the Jose "Dirty Bomber" Padilla to be released from military custody within 30 days. Hurrah for our courts. The capture of this guy and the 'enemy combatant' designation always pissed me off. It was scary that a citizen could just suddenly stop having the legal protections that one is entitled to.

Fuck "Bored of the Rings"

"Honey" is the best movie of all time.

If Al Jazeera Played Madonna

i dunno, i think it might be an imposter....

possible?

Mr. International Gay Rodeo Association 2003 Is My Brother!

David Westman
Mr. IGRA 2003, Trick Roper Extraordinaire

so i google my brother and find this out...

"We got him."

US forces capture Saddam

Discuss.

Poop comes out your butt, and other things I know

The idea for this originated in my wanting to respond to Chris K and to get everyone else in on this . . . . . .

Really? Are you serious? Are there really two kinds of people in the eyes of the unwashed: those that date and those that friend?

Jenny and I got into this discussion on the way back from Iowa, and she seems to think (and she's probably right) that while it may seem to me like EVERYONE is jumping on the internet dating train, it seems like that to me because of the community of people that I deal with on a regular basis. She concluded that while neither one of us could bring actual concrete information about the amounts of people that are doing it, the STIGMATA on those that do personals are still there.

I think she may be right, and I can bring forth some data as to why. While I was doing personals last year (sans photographs) it seemed like the pool of guys was similar in Gay.com, Gay11.com, Match.com, and Yahoo. I ditched all of those and decided to do the Onion, and the pool was different--my thinking is that the difference is by virtue of it being through the Onion. Also, one of the options on Friendster is "just here to help." So now, we have a bunch of crazy categories, which I will abbreviate:

1. "I'm not that kind of person."
2. "I am that kind of person, but I'm looking for someone who's not." (CK)
3. "I have the pleasure of being in a relationship, and I don't want you to think that my single friend is a loser, so I am here to help."

Does anybody remember the game "do you see the problem?"

Freestyle - Geek Style

Okay here's my idea - post rhymes.
Leave the last one open so the next person commenting has to rhyme with it when they start theirs. Once it's done we get wadsbone to lay down a beat and have someone bust said rhyme and we record it. 2 things: !) it's gotta flow so Graver sounds phat when he busts it and 2) The last rhyme for the next person can be hard but let's avoid the impossible ones (orange, silver, etc.). I'll go first.

Al Sharpton

Did anyone else hear about this? Apparently, many NBC affiliates, including those that serve Iowa, refused to air the Sharpton SNL on Saturday because it would give unequal airtime to a presidental candidate. Supposedly it's a violation of federal law. Plus, Tina Fey slammed Des Moines good.

So, what do you think?

How to include links in a comment

I'm looking at you, Win. Haven't I done this before?

Here's a quick how-to for putting hyperlinks in your jeaun.com comments:

This is what you need to type:
<a href="http://www.chronicd.com">Click here for the Chronic D</a>

In order to get this:
Click here for the Chronic D

Update On E-Voting

The gentleman from Florida, Bob Graham, has just introduced legislation to try to put some restrictions on electronic voting machines...

- Requiring that all voting systems produce voter-verified paper records for use in manual audits
- Banning the use of undisclosed software and wireless communication devices in voting systems
- Requiring mandatory surprise recounts in .5 percent of both domestic and overseas jurisdictions.
- All voting systems would have to meet these requirements in time for the November 2004 election.

I'm glad to see that he read our discussion.

Here's his press release.

Our revolving government

Salon has a good piece about this scumbag named J. Stephen Griles. He's the deputy secretary of the interior. A symptom of the horrible infectious disease that has taken a hold of our government, Mr. Griles was a long time industry lobbyist before he got into government. Now that he's there, he can sure help his friends. There's a petition to fire Griles at this website.

Personally I think we need a law that says if you've been a lobbyist for a particular industry, you cannot have anything to with the regulation of that industry EVER. Some people might find that restrictive.

So how do we get this law made kids? I'm writing my reps. Who's with me?

Poopster

All right fuckers, I placed a profile on Friendster. It looks to me like a personals site for people who don't want people to think that they are the kind of people that have profiles on personals sites.

I was going to ask why I kept having to log in every four seconds, but it appears now that it may be my computer . . .

Give her a big democratic kiss

A big thank you to Justices O'Connor, David H. Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Stephen G. Breyer, and Justice Stephens for writing the main opinion to say that the soft money ban is constitutional (Nytimes registration required...sorry)

Now this won't take the money out of politics alltogether, but it will help. At least that's what I think. Any one else happy with this? I've been waiting for them to rule on this since McCain-Feingold passed. Woohoo

Procrastinatster

So in a real herculean dint of effort to not study for the final I have tomorrow in my Chromosomal Structure and Regulation course (it's a scorcher, for sure), I've spent the last hour or so noodling around with Friendster. I've decided it's a) the most useless thing since tits on a bull and b) the best thing since sliced olive loaf. I find myself connected to Conor Oberst, but only through somebody who has no idea who he is. I think that's H-I-larious. That also connects me to Andy LeMaster (which is awesome) and Har Mar Superstar (which is awesome, too, but in a much more sweaty Ron Jeremy-esque way).

Comedy?....or Prophecy?

As I was pondering the upcoming 2004 election, I stumbled into the GoodCons Of course, these conservatives aren't as bad as the crazy fanatics we have running our government. I'd be okay with them being my neighbors.
They had this piece of prophecy linked on their site.
Read it. Then read it again.
These conservatives found that funny. In homage to their sense of humor, I have decided to discard the use of the word conservative as a slur.

That is all.

this is fucking rad but i think i've seen it before

go to google

type "miserable failure" (with quotation marks)

feel lucky

Ms. Golin wants to know . . .

I got an email from Ilana not too long ago, and she has a question.

"But what I really want to do is direct."

Where the fuck is that from? Does it actually have an origin in a movie or a play or something, or it just a cliche that emerged out of an overused trope of Hollywood types?

ANSWERS!

Zero-Sense Policies

A student in Shreveport, Louisiana has been expelled for year for having Advil. What the hell is going on in high school nowadays? I hated it because of the inflexibility and the dogmatic attitude of teachers and administrators, but from incidents like this it looks like it's getting worse. Zero-tolerance is retarded.

I get a lot of headaches and I used to when I was in high school too. I had a fucking 100 tablet bottle in my locker my entire 4 years in high school. There's got to be a way to get flexible and rational policies in place for stuff like this. More scary stories about Zero-Common Sense policies can be found here.

a little Friday NOFX

Hannah showed me this flash movie she found. I've been singing the rabidly anti-Bush refrain all morning. It's pretty much made my friday.
plug in your headphones, turn them up and send your conservative coworkers out for coffee while you check it out

Forces unite amid stupendous crisis

So Wadsbone and I got this booklet in the mail addressed to Resident, so I'm wondering if anyone else in the area got one. The cover reads, "A Shocking Glimpse Behind the Scenes: NATIONAL SUNDAY LAW—Forces unite amid stupendous crisis."

Basically, the thrust of the book is that the Catholic Church, primarily the Papacy, is orchestrating a massive scheme to destroy the world, especially Christianity. Also, the United States, known herein as "The Two Horned Beast," is somehow in cahoots with the Papacy to bring the Christian world to its knees. It was the United States and the Papacy who conspired in the events of September 11, among other evils. The book quickly devolves into endless and badly punctuated quotations from Scripture that, of course, prophesy all of this.

I've always had trouble getting my head around evangelical Christians' hatred of Catholics. In high school my "Christian" friends pegged me as a bad Christian because I was Catholic. It confused the hell out of me.

Anyway, if anyone's interested in this little tome of wisdom (its publication page boasts 25.8 copies in print, though it's not clear if there was a demand for this volume since we got an unsolicited copy), stop by. It's helped keep me occupied during my jobless solitude, so be careful that I don't get brainwashed by it and start hating you godless Catholics among us.

I'd love a glowing puppy.

California has blocked the sale of glofish pets. California (or as I like to call it, goldenhippieland) is the only state with a ban on genetically engineered species. What do you kids think of this? I'm personally looking forward to the bio-luminescent Christmas tree . And let us not forget the transgenic glowing bunny.
Are we just asking for armageddon here or do we need more species?

Does it make me a bad person ...

that I thought the first episode of "The Simple Life" was awesome?

Some examples:
"So do you guys hang out at Wal-Mart?"
"What's a soup kitchen?"
"What's a well?"
And the fact that Paris' low-risers rose so low that they had to blur out her ass-crack ... despite the fact that pretty much everyone who's of a mind to watch such things has already seen her in flagrante delicto, i.e. riding the bologna pony to the next town.

It's nice to see signs of home...

...when you're back for Thanksgiving.

Free Speech: One, Diebold: Zero

So Diebold has dropped its pending lawsuits against students across the land for hosting documents on their webpages that were stolen from Diebold. If you don't know about this company, they're the market leader in touch screen technology. Could have they had something to do with the 2000 elections? It's important stuff. If we go to electronic voting, there better be a paper trail. There's not a logical coherent argument that I can think of to NOT have a paper trail for each electronic vote. It's just too easy to fix votes if you don't have a paper trail. Here's a coalition of those damn pesky hippie students with more info about the whole story.

That is SO gay.

Boy punished for talking about lesbian mother.

The best (i.e., most appalling) bit is where the principal couldn't bring himself to use the word "gay."

Arnold was the Runner Up

"Reports that say something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns -- the ones we don't know we don't know."

-Rumsfeld

At least we can count on the Bush admin for some
straight talk. Guess it depends of what the meaning of the word "is" is.